Quiet Time

A read an essay a few weeks back by Bex, one of the Splits59 Captains. It was about how she spent time at a silent retreat. I was envious. Often there are certain Bible verses that come to my mind and resonate for days or even months at a time. And the one that had been coming to me was "Be still and know that I am God."

I wanted that stillness. With all the madness that seems to be going on in my life right now I can hardly find a quiet moment let alone actually calm myself down enough to turn off my thoughts and listen for God. And with the verse reverberating in my head, clearly that was what God wanted me to do.

I got up early two Saturday's ago and went to my 6 am yoga class. I love early morning yoga. It feels wonderful. It's invigorating and soothing at the same time. Dan, our teacher, asked us to set an "intention" for the class as he always does. I decided to dedicate the class to God... whatever that meant. But to be honest it didn't feel all that different from any other class.

So on the way back home from class I started thinking about Bex's article again. Maybe I needed a silent retreat. A getaway. Well, that's not going to happen. But maybe just a mini retreat. If I could "be still" in the head for just five minutes that would be an accomplishment. I was driving north on the 405 wishing I had taken the coast home because then I could have stopped and sat on the beach to wait for God. I thought maybe I will get off an exit or two early and find a park to go and pray. Or maybe I could... And then I saw them.

The rows of white stone tablets laid out like thousands of "Ten Commandment" stones on a rolling carpet of fresh cut grass. Los Angeles National Cemetery. Before I knew it I was pulling off the freeway and doubling back to the main gate. Surely THIS was a place I could find peace and quiet. I wasn't likely to disturb the residents nor they me. And who knows, maybe they'd enjoy the company.

And so I went and sat. I tried to quiet my mind but I wasn't all that successful. So I just looked around. A handful of birds sang chased each other gleefully in and out of the branches of a large tree. The breeze was cool and gentle. The sun was warm but since it was still early it had not gotten too hot. I watched the birds and wondered if they were sparrows... I wanted them to be but I'm not a bird watcher. Still they made me think of that old hymn "His Eye is on the Sparrow."

Since I couldn't shut up I talked to God. I told Him I wanted to hear Him but I couldn't seem to shut my thoughts down. I felt like a failure.

Up to that point I had been sitting on a large concrete stage with a bench built in to it. I suddenly felt the desire (or perhaps it was a direction) to "touch the grass" ... put my feet in it or sit on it. And so I went to the bottom step and let my feet rest in the cool green carpet. I looked up at the birds soaring as they were ordained by God to do. And then I looked down at the grass. A tiny black beetle was working his way through the amazon lawn. I wondered if mine were the only human eyes who would ever "see" him in his short beetle life. I wondered if one of those birds would spot him with their keen eyes after I left and swoop down and make a meal of him. Tragedy.

I looked out at the headstones. The fallen. Soldiers. Heros. Men. Children really... weren't they all regardless of age really just children? Not all of them lived full lives. Many never saw their dreams come true. Most lived lives cut too short. Some had faith, some had none. But they did what they had to do. They rose to the occasion. They knew fear. They knew courage. They are proof that time is not the promise. I grieved for their lost chances; for their lost days. And then I heard it. Not literally "heard" but a thought that presented itself powerfully... the way a man of great import does when he enters the room. Not thunderous but with a profound presence.

"I watched over each and every one of them."

And that was all I needed. I wept. Because suddenly it became clear to me. I didn't need to quiet my mind. I needed to be still. As still as the dead. And know that God is God. He is not time. Not dreams come true. Not promises of a long full life. Not children. Not lovers. Not success in business or bills paid. He is not even battles lost or wars won. He is God.

And it doesn't matter if I am silent or not. Or even if I am still or not. If I do not obey God He does not become less Godly. If I do obey Him he does not become more Godly. If become a great writer or remain unknown... God is still there. He is still watching over me. He still loves me. With all my worries. My work stress. My desire to have children. My fears over bills and money. It is all of concern to Him and yet in the end none of it matters.

Ultimately there is only God. And He is watching me tenderly and desiring to help me in all those things if I would only let him. But there must have been some doubt in me that He was paying attention. I must not have gotten that on some level. Maybe I still don't. But I think it is making more sense now.

I may fail myself. I may fail God. But God does not fail. He watches intently. He is at the ready. Even if I die with work unfinished. He is there. Perhaps this thought could make me lazy. But it could also give me new strength. For all the glory then ultimately goes to Him as it should. And as long as I am mindful of His loving eyes I can feel safe. I may not know where I am or where I'm going but I am never lost. Sparrow, finch, robin or the tiny beetle they feed upon... who ever I am, I am never out of His sight.

1. "Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
   And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
   Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
   His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.